Welcome to Cats and Crops

My mind has always been in a dark place; quite often, I exhaust myself just trying to find reasons to live.

I left my depression untreated for a very long time. My family didn't understand it, my friends didn't understand it, and I sure as hell didn't understand it. Even still, I am often in denial of my depression's existence and the weight it has on my day-to-day life. More often than not, I choose to ignore my quiet depression to focus on the child screaming even louder - my constant anxiety and OCD. 

No matter what anyone tells me or what I tell myself, I am going to panic. I am going to panic about being on time, I am going to panic about being ill, I am going to panic about making lunch, I am going to panic about being murdered - the list of worries does not end. I will panic until my heart rate skyrockets and I'm sitting on the ground in a giant freezer at Trader Joe's, crying my eyes out and trying not to throw up. My anxiety consumes just about every minute of my day. 

To top it all off, when all these worries begin to overwhelm me, my OCD takes over in the form of dermatillomania, a Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior (or BFRB). I hide and chew the skin off my hands or peel scabs off my scalp; I'll dig into my arms until they bleed and I'll pick at my face until it's dotted with patches of raw skin. I will be completely aware of what I'm doing and entirely unable to stop myself. 

I really can't stand dealing with all these emotions and thoughts on a daily basis. It's getting overwhelming and I'm beginning to crumble beneath the weight. 

So, that's what brings me to this: a new space to share my thoughts and experiences in the hopes that it might help someone else who feels the same way. 

After suffering through this for twelve years, I have finally decided to take a stand against my own mental health. 

My depression and anxiety often leave me feeling worthless and empty - this has manifested itself in a need to care for others. I need to feel like someone, or something, relies on me or I will give up on life. To combat this, I recently adopted a cat. I gave a stray cat a loving and warm home and in return, I have something that relies on me for help and care. I think of all the ways I could be handling depression - this is probably a pretty good one. 

As for the dermatillomania, I'm going to take those purifying impulses and channel them into something constructive - gardening. Rather than pick at my own body to remove what I deem as "imperfections," I'm going to use that energy to pull stupid weeds out a garden. Also, covering my hands with gloves helps to eliminate my ability to feel my own skin, which is what often sets the picking in motion. Gardening will not only provide a creative outlet for my BFRB, but it will also provide some much-needed stress relief for my constantly worrying mind. 

I don't know how long this will go on, and I have no idea how frequently or consistently I will post, but I will try to hold myself accountable as a way of keeping my brain and health in check.

I hope this is able to help someone. 

Gaining control over your mental health is never easy, but you are not alone; it's a constant fight and so many people are on your side.